How to Listen When Someone Opens Up, a Quiet Guide for World Mental Health Day

Saturday 10 October is World Mental Health Day, and this year's theme from the World Federation for Mental Health is "Lived Experiences Heard: Real Voices, Real Change." It is a big phrase, but underneath it sits something small that most of us can do this weekend: sit with someone, and actually listen.

Listening sounds like the easy part. In practice it is the part we rush. Someone starts to say that things have been hard, and before they have finished the sentence we are already reaching for a fix, a story of our own, or a cheerful "you'll be fine." All of it is kindly meant. None of it is quite listening.

Samaritans, whose volunteers spend their days listening to people in difficult moments, boil their approach down to five habits with a memorable name: SHUSH. It is worth borrowing, because it is plain, it is practical, and none of it needs any training to start.

Show you care. Give the person your whole attention. Put the phone face down, or better, in another room. Turn towards them. A lot of what someone notices in the first minute is whether you are really there.

Have patience. People rarely say the hard thing first. They circle it, test the water, change the subject and come back. It can take a while, and sometimes more than one conversation, before someone is ready to say what is really going on. That is not a failure on your part. It is how trust tends to work.

Use open questions. A question that can be answered with yes or no usually is. "How have things been, really?" or "What has this week been like?" leaves more room than "Are you okay?" And if you are not sure what to say next, "Tell me more" is almost always enough.

Say it back. Every so often, put what you have heard into your own words. "So it sounds like work has been piling up and you have not been sleeping much." It shows you have followed, gives them a chance to correct you, and quietly slows the conversation down. Try not to interrupt, and try not to jump to solutions unless they ask for one.

Have courage. Some of this will feel uncomfortable. There will be pauses, and the urge to fill them will be strong. You do not have to. A silence is often where someone gathers the next thing they want to say. And if they react sharply or go quiet, it is rarely about you.

It helps to remember what you are not being asked to do. You are not being asked to diagnose anything, to have the answer, or to make the feeling go away. Most of the time, the person simply wants to feel heard. Samaritans put it well: being listened to can help you feel understood, and feel that you matter.

Where you listen makes a difference too. A busy café with a television in the corner, or a kitchen with the radio on and someone coming in and out, makes it hard to say anything that takes a run-up. A walk side by side is often easier than sitting face to face, and a quiet room with a low, steady background, rain on the window or a kettle coming to the boil, can make a pause feel less exposed. You are not setting a scene, just taking away a few of the things that make it hard to talk.

And it works the other way round. If you are the one who has been carrying something, World Mental Health Day is a reasonable excuse to tell someone. You do not need the right words. "Have you got a minute, I have had a rough few weeks" is plenty to start with.

If you or someone you are with is struggling and needs to talk to someone now, Samaritans are free to call on 116 123, day or night, every day of the year. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999. This article is a gentle guide to listening, not medical advice, and it is no substitute for professional support.

So this weekend, perhaps it is just a cup of tea with a friend you have not properly caught up with. Phone away, one open question, and enough patience to let the quiet do some of the work. That is a small thing to do, and it can matter more than you might think.